


The Downwards Spiral

by CrimsonAnemone



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Self Harm, first fic, graphic descriptions of self harm, possible eating disorder, rated for the graphic descriptions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 23:00:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7550566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonAnemone/pseuds/CrimsonAnemone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Antonio is fine. Nobody comes to visit anymore, but it's fine, he's busy. </p><p> </p><p>Antonio isn't fine. Nobody comes to visit anymore. It's not fine, and he's falling apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! I'm editing this story and then once I'm done writing the next installment! It'll be out in a few days.
> 
> Love you, I'm glad I have a few people who enjoy my fic. Hit me up on Tumblr with your requests, if I do it then it'll be in art, a fic, or both! My main blog is maydannadashes
> 
> Or if you like One Punch Man and want to request something I have another blog specifically for it!  
> Leggo-my-eggo-child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wasup, this is the first chapter of my first fanfiction. It's very short because it's just an idea. If anyone likes this, I'll continue or I'll continue cuz i feel like it. Other chapters will be longer, i promise. This is just the concept really.
> 
> My Tumblr is maydannadashes

Life seemed to be a downwards spiral for Antonio lately. Actually, for awhile, it's become significantly worse, that's for sure. Usually vibrant green eyes held a dull glare, in fact the best word to describe his entire being was dull. Mindlessly he stared at the ceiling from his spot on the couch, He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen any friends, or anyone for that matter. Francis and Gilbert had started avoiding him, and after awhile he started doing the same. He pushed not only them, but everyone else. If anyone even tried to visit, he had an excuse to keep them away. Perhaps they started avoiding him when he first started to dull. He hated to call it depression- He preferred to call it a dark hole, even a nightmare really. 

 

They probably didn't want to be around such a downer. He couldn't blame them, really. Lately he'd gotten sick of himself just the same. Sick of that unending pit in his heart. That dark whole constantly making his chest heavy, and his world dull. Dull. He sighed and slowly stood from the couch and went to use the bathroom. About the only thing he did, except maybe eat, when he didn't feel too sick for food that is. He examined himself in mirror, he really was a dreadful sight. The Spaniard's hair was messy and in desperate need of a trim, he had dark cycles under his eyes, he'd lost a noticeable amount of weight. He could see all of his scars and cuts as he currently wore no shirt, and he couldn't help but be disgusted. 

He felt like some kind if addict.... Well he was. He would crave for some kind of emotion, after awhile he found the easiest emotion to envoke was pain. It started with scratches, pinching, paper cuts, he even poked himself with sewing needles. Not enough. Then he found his old pocket knife, the rest was history. Antonio wanted to feel something at the moment, but he wasn't in the mood for a whole session of sorts. He pulled his knife out of the medicine cabinet and made a swift cut, just one. Antonio watched as his blood gushed out of his upper forearm and down onto the counter, quickly he grabbed a cloth and cleaned it, then used a small bandage, it wasn't a wide cut. Antonio reasoned that he would clean it later when he heard a knock downstairs. He felt dread rise in his chest, who was it this time? 

He prayed it was just some spokesman, he didn't want to face anyone he knew, or cared about. 

He ran to his room and threw on a sweater, his least favorite, it was quite scratchy, especially on his wounds, still he didn't have time to find something else. Hesitantly he walked downstairs and answered the door, his eyes clamped shut and his fingers crossed. 

Then, after taking a deep breath, he opened the door. 

 

"Ciao, tomato bastard."


	2. Chapter 2, (The real thing) Observations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all peeps. This chapter took awhile, but I bet you're wondering why. I could lie and say shit happened, well ot did, but I've had time. I wanted this to be long, but i ccouldn't make it big like I wanted and I realized in the process I was wate ring down the story. This fic isn't over, and I'm going for a plot with it too. I will update more. Yeah, I'm that person who posts often but posts less. I promise though, I'm putting quality first. Thank you.

"Ciao, tomato bastard."

Shit. Antonio faked a smile. "Hola, Lovi. ¿Qué te trae por aquí?" He asked politely. He could never be rude to his beloved Romano, even if said Italian loathed him. 

"Are you kidding? No one has heard from you in months! What the fuck?" 

"I've been busy." Another fake smile crossed his lips. "Would you like to come in for coffee?" 

Lovino starred at Antonio, a look of confusion clear in his face. "Sì." He shifted in his place. "Actually, I've missed your ass.... And I came all of the way here from Italy..And i don't have anything to do this week," He looked of to the side, starring at the doorframe besides Antonio, "so I thought I could spend it here with you." 

Shit. 

"Of course..."

Antonio couldn't say no to Lovino but he couldn't understand why he even wanted to be here. Lovino didn't love him anymore. Not that they'ed ever been in a romantic relationship but once upon a time they did everything together, he'd seen Lovino smile. That didn't happen anymore. 

Antonio then snapped out of his thoughtful daze. "Anyways, why the hell haven't you answered your phone?" Antonio chuckled weakly. "Honestly, I guess I became so tired of business calls I stopped answering..."

"Well start because I'm worrying over your ass." Romano replied curtly crossing his arms. 

"Alright mì tomate." Antonio stepped to the side so Lovino could come in.

\----------Lovino's point of view-------------

Antonio seemed off. Lovino couldn't quite put his finger on it. The Spaniards usually breathtaking smiles, weren't all that breathtaking. They actually looked more fake than anything else, forced by necessity. Lovino became even more worried than he'd been for Antonio before once he saw the inside of the house. 

Spain's place wasn't full of it's usaul brightness, it wasn't full of life and filled with the alluring scents of coffee and cinnamon that he was used to. It felt...Well depressing. Depression was something Lovino never associated with Antonio. Idiocy, stupidity, love...Strength...Passion...those were what came to Lovino's mind when thinking about his love. 

No, his Ex-Boss,-

They could never be lovers. That was crazy.-

"Are you coming, Tomate?.." Antonio asked, causing Lovino to gaze at him.

What is this?-

Antonio, surround by a dark gloomy house, with a weak smile and bags under his eyes. 

This can't be real.-

Lovino couldn't believe he was seeing this. 

It just can't be.-

Antonio didn't sulk, he wasn't depressed. Even when he'd lost battles and wars he kept some obvious form of cheerfulness. Even through tears there was something...Satisfying...Joyful maybe...But not like happiness that comes and goes...More like an eternal contentment with life, and it wasn't there. Antonio's eyes were dull and void of life, and Lovino didn't know what to say or think about it. 

So he tried not think about it. 

"Yeah, Yeah. Shut ya mouth and make that coffee ya promised, bastard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed. Criticism is appreciated, just not pure hatred. I'd love to hear what you think, good or not. If you feel anypart of this is weak, or missing something please tell me. If you liked something tell me please, so I can know what's liked and what's disliked.


	3. Picnic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Antonio was like a wilting tomato plant. All he needed was a few days of extra love and care and to be kept up with afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup guys! I'm back finally..... I'm sorry I haven't updated, I'm dealing with tons of medial stuff.... However I'll be having some more time on my hands so expect more chapters! By the way, no I don't have a beta. If you see a mistake please tell me. (I re-read a chapter before posting it but I'm not perfect.)

Antonio had started a pot of coffee and offered Lovino a spot on the couch while they waited. There was an uncomfortable silence which was broken by Lovino. "Listen, Antonio," the Spaniard became worried, Lovino usaully didn't call him by his human name. "You look like shit, your presence is practically radiating gloomy-ness and you need something to cheer up. Seeing you like this is making me fucking depressed as hell. I'm not taking no for an answer." 

"I'm fine Lovi!" He blurted out.   
"Really I'm just a little stressed...And a little lonely- but i mean that doesn't matter so-" 

Antonio was cut off, "If you're stressed and lonely than I'll be keeping you company and helping you unwind." Lovino gave him a look that a mother may give to a child to make them obey, if you looked closely there was worry in that expression. 

"You don't need to do this, I don't even see why you would want to..." Antonio replied softly, slightly scared. 

"Because I eh, I love you. You now you're a huge part of my life and I don't like...Spending a long time without you." He blushed and looked away. "Anyways, if I don't check up on you now and again you'll do something stupid and hurt yourself."

Antonio chuckled lightly, it was a slightly nervous tone. How ironic, Lovino sure was a clever one. Sì gracias.."   
Lovino looked back at Antonio, trying to make sense of his attitude. "Why don't we go swimming? The beach is nice this time of-" 

"No! I mean wouldn't you rather...We could have a picnic...Let's make lunch and eat in the garden!" 

"Uh, sure Tonio..." 'He's fine' Lovino reminded himself, Antonio was the same cheerful idiot he always had been, he just needed some company.   
He was like a wilting tomato plant. All he needed was a few days of extra love and care and to be kept up with afterwards. Lovino wouldn't let Antonio be alone for long periods of time, he needed to see friends often. More than once or twice a month, much more. Lovino convince himself that was all. 

"You make churros and I'll make crepes. I'm in the mood for crepes."


	4. Sorry guys!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry..

Hey guys, I'm all for updating this fic but I'm not not sure if anyone really wants or cares about whether or not this it continues. I'd be willing to continue if at least one person wants more, but if no one at all cares I see no point in updating. If you find this fic a year or later after and I haven't updated since this, and you want more just message me or comment, I've been on this site for years and unless I die I'll still be around. Really one person wanting more is all I need to justify continuing this, if no one wants more for now I'll keep working on other things but if someone is interested even a year or two, or less or way less, or a month or even a week down the road from now I'd be happy to keep going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love CrimsonAnemone


	5. Done making excuses (Real chapter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovino is done making excuses so that he doesn't have to face Antonio's behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya guys, I'm back! Sorry it took so long I had awful writer's block. However do not worry The Downwards Spiral is still alive and kicking. Expect chapter six very soon, I won't make you wait so long again! I've been in the hospital a lot and I'm dealing with chronic pain so bad I feel like my whole life is just me waiting for my next dose of pain meds to take it away. I'm kinda depressed myself, I guess I wish a had a friend who cared enough to notice. Enough about me, enjoy the fic.

The picnic was fine, the food was delicious but that was no shocker considering the cooks. 

Lovino couldn't understand though, usually when he and Antonio cooked it was.... It was beautiful, at least Lovino felt that way. Antonio would talk and talk about spices, tomato quality. The two of them worked on their dishes with passion and eloquence, almost like a dance. They'd move at a slow steady pace, gaze in each other's eyes every time they met. 

This time however? Antonio was quiet, he was... Emotionless. It was odd because the Spaniard loved being in the kitchen. He just made the crepes. No talking, no eloquent movements, no smiles. Just a blank look. He just went through the motions this time. Lovino desperately wanted to know why Antonio, his goofy passionate Antonio was being all depressed and shit. It was getting on his nerves, he came up here to relax with the the king of passion and relaxation but met the king of emotional issues. For fucks sake. 

Throughout the entire meal both were quiet, the silence was painful... Lovino felt a heavy dark weight all over his body as he sat there beside the usually cheery Spaniard. It felt like a horror movie, even throughout wars Antonio never acted quite like this. 

Lovino couldn't stop thinking about the picnic, the questions he had about Antonio's behavior rendering himself unable to sleep. After eating they'd just sat next to each other for hours until it was dark and then they went to bed. Lovino to the guest room, (which was actually just his room as no one else used it), and Antonio to his own room. 

Lovino wanted answers, and he was determined to get them. He'd make sure Antonio stopped this depressing behavior tomorrow. Tomorrow he'd get his cheerful happy Antonio back. 

Finally, with the idea of fixing the problem Lovino drifted off to sleep. 

And then Lovino woke up. He heard footsteps in the hall, not Antonio's usually graceful light footsteps, they sounded tired. Lovino thought nothing of it, it was late at night of course Antonio was tired. Lovino closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. His eyes shot open as heard Antonio shout through his teeth, "Dammit!" He hissed, almost in pain. Then it went quiet. 

Lovino rolled his eyes, the bastard probably stubbed his toe. Lovino thought nothing more of it and was about to drift into sleep when he heard...Crying? Quiet almost muffled crying. Antonio could be over emotional at times but crying over a stubbed toe? Lovino was done convincing himself and making excuses so he wouldn't have to face whatever was wrong with Antonio, this was not normal. He climbed out of bed, quietly went to the bathroom where he assumed Antonio was and opened the door.


	6. Recollection and blades.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovino enters the bathroom. 
> 
> Lovino recalls a time long ago. 
> 
>  
> 
> (Warning for some more graphic self injury.)

Antonio sat there on the bathroom floor staring at his arms, contemplating whether or not he wanted to add another cut to the collection. He ultimately decided he did want to, but nothing severe with Lovino around. He was deep in thought and he actually cut a larger gap than intended, "Dammit!" He hissed in pain, one seeing this would assume Antonio was unhappy with the pain but that was the opposite. He wanted it. He wanted the pain. He was about to go for one more, just a small one when Lovino bursted through the door. Antonio had been to deep in his thoughts he hadn't head the Italian coming. 

Antonio and Lovino stared at each other for a moment, before the initial shock Lovino experienced wore off and he swept the razor from Antonio's hand. 

Antonio had only on word on his mind, 

Shit. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

What the fuck. Lovino wanted to tell at Antonio, rant about how what was doing is wrong but he knew Antonio wasn't that stupid, he knew, and he obviously didn't care. 

 

"Lovino, I don't need you to tell me what I'm doing is wrong or anything. I'm not human, no wound can end my life. Lovino, do not worry about it, don't worry about me." 

Antonio's words were clear, the look on his face wasn't the usual face of someone who had been caught hurting themselves, it was cold, it was dark, and it was intimidating.

Lovino recalled the only other time he saw that face. 

 

It was back in Spain's pirating days. 

Antonio was once again leaving, but Lovino wouldn't have it. So he hid on the ship. When Antonio found him the ship was too far to go back. Antonio made Lovino stay in his own quarters for the majority of the trip. 

Then their own ship met a British ship, and there was an attack. Some Brits managing to get themselves on the ship. There was fighting, canons going off, entropy everywhere.

Lovino decided he'd go up to the deck and join in the fight against those Brits, he grabbed a sword from Antonio's quarters, which he could hardly carry and made his way to the deck. He was so small no one really saw him, however two of the Brits did, there stood Lovino in-between two very threatening British pirates, who looked intent on slaying him or ransoming him. Antonio ran to Lovino, and managed to knock the men out, he told Lovino to go back to his quarters and hide under the bed, be Lovino refused trying to lift the sword as a way to show Antonio he could fight, then there was that face. Calm, dark, cold, intimidating, but not threatening. Never threatening. 

Without another word Lovino did as he was told. 

Here, sitting on the bathroom floor he saw that face again, but this time he wouldn't do as he was told. 

Not now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, criticism is always welcome, please comment I love to know what you think, thanks- CrimsonAnemone


End file.
